The Sweetness of Thought and the Abandonment of Prayer

My brother, know that it is not the thought that takes you out of prayer, but your love for it. Do not deceive yourself — the mind does not run away on its own; you are the one who sends it. A thought has no power to pull you, but it has enough sweetness to make you choose it — and you choose it because you still enjoy speaking with yourself more than answering the call of Christ. This is the wound: not that thoughts come, but that you receive them as beloved guests — you open the door for them, set the table, give them the seat at the head of the table, while you leave prayer at the threshold like a beggar. And then you say that “the thoughts have defeated you.” They have not defeated you; you have given them the victory. When you say, “I stop saying the prayer because the thought is sweet,” you have spoken the truth about yourself — that you prefer the sweetness of the mind more than the bitterness of repentance. And until you admit this, you will not rise. But if you have seen it, you have already taken the first step toward freedom, for a man is healed only when he sees who rules him. And you have seen that it is not the thought that rules you, but your pleasure in it. And if you have chosen the thought, you can also choose prayer — not with feeling, not with sweetness, but with the cutting of your own will. Know, however, that prayer does not settle in the one who says it only when it suits him, but in the one who says it when it does not suit him — when it hurts, when it burns, when the mind screams for something else. That is when it becomes clear whom you serve — Christ or the sweet thought. The Fathers said: “The sweet thought is the bait; the swallowing is yours.” And they also said: “It is not the thought that takes you out of prayer, but your love for it.” Therefore, my brother, stop arguing with the thoughts; argue with your choice. And when you see that you have chosen wrongly, do not lament, do not justify yourself, do not excuse yourself. Say only this: “I chose the thought. I return.” And return. There begins freedom, there begins true prayer, and there begins the new man.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me!